23Feb26 Bad Job Bingo

Seems great. We get a little more information about the seniority of this role, so I don't really have any concerns about the responsibilities, and the pay seems great for the region (although Londoners, please correct me if I'm wrong here).

We are looking for a motivated and curious professional to manage a book of BNPL/fintech customers. — See! See how you don't have to say anything about energy!

The CSM will deliver proactive workshops, business reviews, payments insights, and thought leadership to help users grow their business. — I will admit that this makes my eye twitch, but I'm willing to let it slide this time.

I was just thinking how unusual it is for Success roles to appear in the Green Means Go category, and now we have two. Neat!

This seems like an interesting Community role with a sizeable dash of Education, and I see no flags. Pay is great. Green Means Go!

This role is very similar to the other Product Support Specialist role, and so I have the same questions about leveling. But again, everything else is good, and the pay range makes sense for what seems to be a slightly more senior role.

Oh thank goodness, I was worried we wouldn't have a decent job in this batch. See Stripe's (now closed) Product Manager, Support Experience role to hear about what I love about their Careers page. (Basically, it's normal, informative, and down to Earth).

Stripe is hiring a ton, and I'm willing to bet there's some overlap between roles like Billing Specialists, Solutions Engineers/Architects, and Support, so it's worth just perusing their Jobs page!

The only reason this isn't going into Green Means Go is that a few responsibilities seem a little senior for this title. That could just be a lack of knowledge of their internal structure and leveling, though, so I'd just ask about that if I were interviewing. Everything else seems good, and the pay is good for a technical/financial role.

Pretty normal Careers page with straightforward values, mission, vision, etc. There's a very prominent DEI statement, which I appreciate (although, of course, how they actually treat folks matters more).

I really appreciate that most of the important details are right at the top: the preferred candidate locations and shift hours / time zone. It's a green flag when companies have an idea of what matters most to candidates.

If working with a close knit group of smart and hungry colleagues solving the hardest problems gets you excited, we’d love to hear from you! — No, I want to work with satisfied dummies. I guess I'll keep my interest to myself!

2-5 years of customer support or related experience in a high-volume, fast-paced customer centric role — Sigh. What are the chances the pay matches this mid-level high-volume role?

Pay Rate is: $22-25/hour. — So, none. The chances are none. Cool. At least they know the pay isn't competitive?

Really puts that DEI statement into perspective, though. "We encourage underrepresented minorities to be underpaid in this role, which will affect their future compensation for years, if not forever."

This company is hiring a ton for Success roles, so worth taking a look at their open positions.

Not a single non-white person speaks in their company video.

Navan is seeking a bold and visionary SVP, Global Operations & Services — LOL. Look, I have trust issues; I don't think I've come across a company yet that said they wanted a "bold and visionary" CX executive and actually meant it.

Navan is reshaping the future of corporate travel and expense, and radical customer care is our ultimate differentiator. — I appreciate that they recognize CX as a differentiator, but boy, is all this hyperbole exhausting.

Reporting to the COO, you will be a proven operator and innovator, critical to driving unparalleled customer support and operational excellence at a massive global scale. — Lordy. Someone dial back the gas in this hot air balloon before we hit the exosphere.

End-to-End Operational Ownership: Oversee all service operations - from front-line travel agents to back-office reconciliation - while establishing robust capacity planning, budgeting, and performance on key metrics (CSAT, NPS, SLA) — I know they probably don't mean this role will be a direct supervisor, but I always get a little nervous when companies don't mention managing multiple levels of leaders. Because sometimes they really do mean direct supervision, and that's a lot.

Drive Strategic Alignment: Foster a unified, customer-centric operating model by securing strategic alignment across key executive functions: Product, Engineering, Sales, and Customer Success — I know this is a common thing, believe me; it would just be nice if we expected other divisions to be customer-centric as a basic standard of operating a real adult business, instead of expecting the CX executive to be everyone's kindergarten teacher all the time.

The pay is excellent at $255,000—$400,000.

Uh-oh, their company pitch brags about being a great place to work. Let's find out!

Quattro also, there's this question in the application:

But don't worry, Navan, I'm giving this JD a Hybrid rating! It's BINGO 4 days a week (and 2 Fridays a month) with Tread Carefully one day a week. I'm sure you'll feel right at home.

Heartflow is a medical technology company transforming the way coronary artery disease (CAD) is diagnosed, treated and managed. — Okay, Heartflow, where's my nickel?

However, healthcare is one of the (few, in my opinion) industries in which AI can have a real, positive impact. Keeping my mind open on this one!

Our mission is to establish a new era of personalized care by delivering AI-driven analysis and insights to proactively manage CAD for life. — Alright now, settle down.

Oh, okay, so we're going directly from "establish a new era!" to the Benefits, huh? Really took my advice to heart.

Our pipeline of products is growing and so is our team; join us in helping to revolutionize precision heartcare. — The air's really getting thin up here.

Having said that, I hope this tech is the real deal because it sounds cool as hell.

The CSS is the technical lifeline for accounts and ensures rapid resolution of issues and the achievement of customer satisfaction and customer loyalty targets. — I really hope there's a lifeline-sized compensation package at the end of this job listing.

Help HeartFlow gain worldwide adoption of our novel FFRct product by providing knowledgeable responses to customer inquiries and issues. — Can HeartFlow help me with this shortness of breath I have due to a lack of oxygen at these great heights?

Provide prompt documentation and complete resolution of reported issues — Does this role also come with product dev and engineering pay?

Support Sales staff with feedback, product knowledge, and customer usage metrics to assist sales team in market and account penetration — I'm not sure what about this is rubbing me the wrong way, except that it's starting to feel very much like an AI product and not a healthcare product that uses AI.

It doesn't help that several of the job responsibilities are basically the same thing, and you know what that means! I'll take "Which job description was written by AI?" for $800, Alex.

Positive, energetic personality, comfortable in front of groups/customers — Sigh.

Responsible, accountable, and ability to work well with teams and cross-functionally — We may be high in the sky, but the bar is in hell.

Comfortable in high pressure situations — ...are we expecting this Support Specialist to be diagnosing the coronary artery disease? Yikes.

Highly detail-oriented — Yeah, that checks out.

Experience with data analysis techniques and especially the use of MS Excel. Experience with DICOM medical imaging, medical device, EHR/EMR software, or other technical product preferred. Experience with Salesforce or other CRM tool highly preferred. Fluency in English required, competency in German, Japanese, French and/or Italian desirable — I'm expecting a really excellent compensation package, y'all.

Potentially require on-call support (off-hours) and holiday coverage — A really excellent compensation package.

A reasonable estimate of the base compensation range is $22.50 and $30.00 per hour and bonus. — It's not the fall that kills you. It's the shitty pay at the bottom.

Hilariously, UnitQ seems to have checked out on their Careers page almost immediately, basically repeating a values statement because they couldn't be assed to come up with a way to restate "we love nerding out."

We're a fast-growing company with the stability and funding to offer top-tier perks! — Scream it with me: BEEEEEEEENEFITS AAAAAAAARE NOOOOOOOOOT PEEEEEEEEERKS

and last but not least— a fun and creative working environment. — Oh, of course. Can't forget all the fun you're having (but you can forget a fourth values statement!)

Our mission is to help companies of all sizes deliver exceptional product experiences, optimize operational efficiency, and drive sustainable growth through continuous product quality improvement. — Okay, the Careers page may be very basic bitch, but after all the lofty mission statements we've already seen, I appreciate the grounded nature of this one.

Act as an escalation point for all inbound cases from our clients, as well as the Customer Success team. Monitor a set of customer accounts for breaks in activity and provide proactive outreach to troubleshoot data issues. — Depending on UnitQ's volume, this could be fine, or it could be a dumpster fire.

If not for the above and the inadvertently funny Careers page, this would be a pretty straightforward role. Sadly, those things do exist, plus there's no pay transparency, and they ask for salary expectations in the application, so BINGO it is.

Help us redefine dentistry - We’re transforming the antiquated $400B global dental industry. — Can we end this balloon ride now? I'm cold and I'm tired and I want a nap. Also, you owe me a nickel.

Revolutionizing dental care — You get a revolution! And you get revolution! Everyone gets a revolution!

At Dandy, we believe in shared success – when the the business wins, our employees do too. — Actually, I think it's the other way around, my dudes.

Our co-founders’ mission to transform dentistry - We’re building more than a business—we’re transforming an industry by scaling custom manufacturing through advanced technology and putting our customers at the core of everything we do. Join us in delivering an experience unlike anything dentistry has seen before. — We've rapidly ascended through the atmosphere and are now in the cold, dead vacuum of space.

Shape the future of dentistry — OH MY GOD, ENOUGH, WE GET IT

Be an Owner - Dandy belongs to each of us. — Does it, though?

Take initiative and find solutions, not excuses. [...] Take responsibility for your mistakes often and transparently. Be an owner, not a renter. — VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!!!!

Operate at the lowest level of detail. Work with precision and understand all of the inputs to your systems — Highest. I think you mean the highest level of detail. Maybe we're all getting weird from the lack of oxygen.

Backed by some of the world’s leading venture capital firms — Because what I really want in my mouth is venture capital

Dandy is hiring a strategic and analytical Senior Manager, CX Strategy & Operations — So you want strategic strategy?

to join our rapidly growing venture-backed company. — Yeah. Venture-backed dentures. Got it.

The Customer Experience team is responsible for delivering exceptional customer experience